Translation of blog post written march 2, 2018.

Have you been crying? Is it anything special? How are you? Maybe you need to be alone for a while? The questions come from my assistant and I understand why he asks them. It's his way of saying that he sees that I do not feel well,that  he sees that I have  cried.

It is  kind of now I understand how bad I was feeling at the end of 2016 and half of 2017. I had (and still have) a depression. At first I was quiet, didn´t say anything to anyone. Not to my family, friends, and not to the counselor or psychologist. I cried most of the time. No one recognized my behavior. I didn´t answer the phone and didn´t  participate in social activities. I lost my memory. Because of my disability I have bad short-term memory, but it got  even worse during the depression. I, who normally remembers numbers very well, forgot phone numbers and the  code for my credit card. I forgot appointments. I never knew what day  it was,  I felt like all the days got together . I didn´t  remember if I did my physical teraphy or not etc. Some time later, I was acting out. I hurt two of my assistants physically. ( I don´t remember this myself, one of the assistants told it to me later on). Other assistants I didn´t let into my apartment. I refused to open the door when they rang the bell.

It also felt like I wanted to provoke one of my assistants to get  angry. It was him I was thinking about  today when I was sad. I remember one day when I told him it was no point that he tried to help me out of my depression.  - Why is there no point? he asked me. In current situation I don`t remember what I answered him. I remember, however, that he asked me  if I understood how  he felt in the midst of it all. I said yes, because I have experience of two friends who  had a depression and remember how I felt during that period. It was also the same assistant who had to call the police when I refused to go into emergency psychiatric care despite that I needed it. According to myself, I wasn´t sick even though I had depression with  delusions. I also felt that I was a person who was stupid, ugly, and stood in the way of those near me.

During this period I wasn´t  fair to my psychologist either. Called him  by a female name although I know he is a man. I sounded really cold and angry when I said it. This was when the person was trying to get me into the emergency psychiatry and I didn´t want to. Again, I considered myself not to be sick.

Memories of emergency psyhiatry are hard to carry.  I think of how I was feeling, but also of everything I witnessed with the  other patients while I was there. I also think about the examples I mentioned above, where I treated people around me badly because of my depression. People around me are asking me not to get stuck in these thoughts as thoughts of guilt and shame doesn´t build me up, they bring me down. I understand what they mean, but so difficult it can be ...

I guess I'll just say - I was sick.

This is not a feel-sorry-for - post. I just need to process my depression.

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