Direktlänk till inlägg 1 juni 2018

I was sick...

Av unika-jag - Fredag 1 juni 12:50

Translation of blog post written march 2, 2018.

 

Have you been crying? Is it anything special? How are you? Maybe you need to be alone for a while? The questions come from my assistant and I understand why he asks them. It's his way of saying that he sees that I do not feel well,that  he sees that I have  cried.


It is  kind of now I understand how bad I was feeling at the end of 2016 and half of 2017. I had (and still have) a depression. At first I was quiet, didn´t say anything to anyone. Not to my family, friends, and not to the counselor or psychologist. I cried most of the time. No one recognized my behavior. I didn´t answer the phone and didn´t  participate in social activities. I lost my memory. Because of my disability I have bad short-term memory, but it got  even worse during the depression. I, who normally remembers numbers very well, forgot phone numbers and the  code for my credit card. I forgot appointments. I never knew what day  it was,  I felt like all the days got together . I didn´t  remember if I did my physical teraphy or not etc. Some time later, I was acting out. I hurt two of my assistants physically. ( I don´t remember this myself, one of the assistants told it to me later on). Other assistants I didn´t let into my apartment. I refused to open the door when they rang the bell.


It also felt like I wanted to provoke one of my assistants to get  angry. It was him I was thinking about  today when I was sad. I remember one day when I told him it was no point that he tried to help me out of my depression.  - Why is there no point? he asked me. In current situation I don`t remember what I answered him. I remember, however, that he asked me  if I understood how  he felt in the midst of it all. I said yes, because I have experience of two friends who  had a depression and remember how I felt during that period. It was also the same assistant who had to call the police when I refused to go into emergency psychiatric care despite that I needed it. According to myself, I wasn´t sick even though I had depression with  delusions. I also felt that I was a person who was stupid, ugly, and stood in the way of those near me.


During this period I wasn´t  fair to my psychologist either. Called him  by a female name although I know he is a man. I sounded really cold and angry when I said it. This was when the person was trying to get me into the emergency psychiatry and I didn´t want to. Again, I considered myself not to be sick.


Memories of emergency psyhiatry are hard to carry.  I think of how I was feeling, but also of everything I witnessed with the  other patients while I was there. I also think about the examples I mentioned above, where I treated people around me badly because of my depression. People around me are asking me not to get stuck in these thoughts as thoughts of guilt and shame doesn´t build me up, they bring me down. I understand what they mean, but so difficult it can be ...


I guess I'll just say - I was sick.


This is not a feel-sorry-for - post. I just need to process my depression.

 
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Kommentar

Av unika-jag - Måndag 3 dec 13:21

Jag minns när Du kom in i mitt liv. Det var den 5 juli 2003. Till en början behandlade jag Dig som en hund. Jag hade också fördomar om Dig. Jag tänkte: "Katter är självständiga djur. De är inte lika mysiga som en hund."  Snacka om att jag fick äta up...

Av unika-jag - Torsdag 22 nov 14:29

Hej Allesammans!                       #Ofrivilligtbesökpågolvet   För en tid sedan blev det ett ofrivilligt besök på golvet. Orsak: Skulle från sängen till rullstolen för att sedan kunna ta mig på toa. Vid överflyttningen från säng till rullstol...

Av unika-jag - Måndag 5 nov 14:41

Hej Allesammans! #Nypersonal #Inskolning #Simning #SjukgympaNu var det länge sedan jag skrev. Har varit fullt upp m. intervjuer och inskolningar av ny personal. Förra veckan inskolades all personal på min simning och min sjukgympa. På simningsinskoln...

Av unika-jag - Torsdag 9 aug 21:47

Hej Allesammans! Vikariebristen står mig upp i halsen! Jag får aldrig känna lugnet eller vara ifred! Jag får alltid vara auktoritär - aldrig privatperson! Jag saknar att vara det senare. Känns som att jag måste förstå mig på hela världen, medan i...

Av unika-jag - Onsdag 1 aug 11:14

Hej Allesammans!   Nu har det nästan gått en månad sedan jag skrev något. Börjar med en liten fortsättning på förra inlägget, ni vet assistenten som inte dök upp när han skulle. Det visade sig att han var sjuk då och trodde att det endast räckte ...

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Hej! Jag är en 36-årig kvinna. Denna blogg handlar om mitt liv och min Cerebral pares. Frågor? Använd frågerutan. Välkomna!
Hi! I´m a 36 year old woman. This blog is about my life with Cerebral palsy. Questions? Use the square below! Welcome

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