Translation of my post from January 17, 2014:

Hi Everyone!

On Monday,  January 13:th 2014,   I was at my first meeting with my  psychologist for this year. Told him how Christmas was (the same things that I wrote in the blog post the other day). I told her the truth, that soon I won´t have energy to invest in mine and my dad's relationship anymore,  any criticism from him regarding my disability  is sucking my energy. Then she wondered  for how long the critizism has been going on.

- For seven years, I said

- What kind of power does he have? How has he been able continue for seven years without anybody stopping him?

- They haven´t known about it, because I have protected him.

- What is it that makes him in need of protection? What is it that makes him so fragile?

- It is not that he is fragile. People, including myself, are afraid of what he will do if my relatives takes my part in this.

- Aha. He is the one that yells.

- Yes.

- Let him yell then!

- But I will get criticized negativly for it.

- As long as it is only verbal negative critizism it´s one thing. You might find it easier to deal with it if you have someone on your side. If your dad and brother think it's hard to give you the structure, you need someone else to give you that. You have the right to get help from  an assistant!

- We have discussed it and he doesn´t want to!

- It's your life! Another option is to not go home at all.

Here something cracks for me and I start to cry and say through the tears:

- But then it affects a lot of innocent people who actually miss me and WANT to see me at home! My grandmother and grandfather, my aunt, my cousins ...

- I know I'm being hard on you now ...

- You is not half as hard as my dad ... (Hard is not the right word by the way, straight and honest is better). I stretch out my arms towards  her and she meets me in a warm-hearted and honest hug, you know, the one that feels and signals trust and respect, and she says: -  You are struggling and  I think you do it well!

Wonderful psychologist, so glad I have him!   

We also talked about the idea of writing a letter to my family about my need of help, but the psychologist says that all ways to take the information in are  closed from my dad's and brother's side and therefore, I will probably not get a response to the letter, which will make me sad and disappointed. To protect myself, it's a good idea that not write it. Personally, I feel that I haven´t got the energy nor the lust to write the letter right now. Feeling so bad mentally right now, that in case of writing a letter, I will not be able to handle  a negative response to it. Must pick up the pieces that have been created during the home stay, think about my life, think about what I WANT! I can not dance after dad's pipe throughout my life. I will just get unhappy then ...

Have a nice weekend!